When I was younger, I set my sights on learning multiple languages, a decision that unknowingly foreshadowed the path I would follow years later. Recently, I’ve come to realize that when I speak English, it sparks a noticeable shift in both my personality and thought process.

Words come more naturally now, and my thoughts feel less scattered, flowing with greater ease. It’s as if I’m cruising in a convertible along a desert highway at sunset, the wind in my hair and a sense of boundless freedom. Italian, though undeniably beautiful, feels like a tether that binds me too closely to my family. That connection is precisely why I struggle to express my true self in Italian—knowing they’ll understand every word I write. Perhaps I’m one of those souls who never truly wishes to be fully understood by the people closest to them.

Embracing the fact that I can never truly enjoy the small things in life is both a torture and a bliss. The struggle of being in the perfect moment and realising it was perfect only after some time has passed it’s a lifelong sentence to nostalgia; however this urge to keep going and this lingering feeling of dissatisfaction makes me eager for something more everyday.

How does one escape this system? Leaving for an exotic place, changing your name, deciding who your favorite person on this planet is and becoming exactly like them? I am afraid we are bound to be unapologetically authentic to our true selves, whatever that means. I’m leaving it open to interpretation.

Smells and glimmers of my childhood feel like a kick in my stomach, the huge potential of everything that could have been. My grandmother painting her nails in the garden, my grandfather watching western movies, my mother’s high pitched laugh, my father being young and alive. I enjoy loneliness and quiet but I hate being alone and not having much to say.

Nostalgia is orange just like the curtains of my mother’s kitchen, like sunsets, like my elementary school teacher’s hair. Orange like the homonymous record by Frank Ocean, like In the Mood for Love. I can never escape this feeling.

After reading this I recommend listening to Tangerine by Led Zeppelin.

I wish you love and freedom.

Azzurra